If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
