I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
