I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
