Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
