areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize