i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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