I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
