New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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