i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
