Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize