i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She said her name was "party"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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