Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
