Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
