My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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