I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
