We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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