If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
