I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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