omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
