Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
