just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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