Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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