You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
