life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
