Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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