I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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