He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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