Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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