So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
