remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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