My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
two words: eviction party
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
