you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
