So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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