i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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