3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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