Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
