I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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