I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
