if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
