So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She bit a glass in half.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
