as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
