I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
