Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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