never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
