Say something about gay babies.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
