Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
