The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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