college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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