a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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