i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
