chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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