I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
