I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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