I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
