i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
