I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
