What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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