Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
