im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
