chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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