things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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