He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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