Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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